Archive for April, 2006

And when the movie’s over, sit back and relish the sight of shell-shocked people trembling, pushing each other toward the exit while a mother leans into her son and sobs “I was wrong, Billy. There is no god.” When all the people are gone, stand up, take a loving look at the smoking hole you’ve left in the seat, and walk out into the sun knowing your love affair with the cinema has been rekindled.

Recent polls show that President Bush’s job-approval ratings continue to hover around 40 percent. And while analysts and commentators have wisely pointed out the problems this poses for the Bush Administration’s domestic agenda, almost everyone has overlooked the most troubling aspect of this statistic. Namely, that 40 percent of Americans are fucking retarded.

Happy Birthday My Ass

Posted: 10th April 2006 by Mike Stevens in Commentary
Tags: , , , , ,

There are nearly 280 million people in the US, which means that on any given day nearly 800,000 Americans have a birthday. 800,000 is a lot of people, but what I want to know is how each and every one of them knew I’d be eating at Red Robin last night.

I’ll tell you this, though: if Burger King really does do it like I do it, the next time the drive-thru lady asks if you want anything else, demand a handful of Valtrex and directions to the nearest free clinic.

As for me, I’ll be watching to see if his prosthetic legs don’t ice up about 50 feet from the summit, because if there is anything Everest needs, it’s one more human cadaver sprinkled about the north trail.

Jesus loves you: It’s the Christians you have to worry about.

Instant, continuous playback? Voice activation? A battery life limited only by power of attorney? Eat your heart out IPOD. Old people are by far the best way to enjoy, over and fucking over again, such timeless classics as “I found a quarter” and “Bobby has six toes.”