God may not be a fan of the Denver Broncos, but after the Tim Tebow-led team’s stunning overtime win against the Steelers yesterday, millions of Americans are becoming believers. Should the Broncos find a way to beat the Patriots next week, it won’t be long before images of Tebow start showing up in grilled-cheese sandwiches all over America. And while a Tebow-sandwich might be tasty (depending upon your, ugh, tastes), America can’t withstand the impact of another Tebow miracle.

Don’t get me wrong: I respect the hell out of what the guy has accomplished. In the NFL, Tebow is the ultimate underdog, a wild card whose heart outpaces his talents, the gridiron’s version of Rocky Balboa. And we all love Rocky. Hell, Rocky—much like Tebow—sucked ass for most of his fights only to come back in the last few rounds to beat the holy crap out of commies like Ivan Drago. Plus, he scored one for Jesus when he punched the hell out of that Muslim Clubber Lang.

Okay, to be fair, I’m not certain Clubber was Muslim, but he did say a lot of shitty things about white people and their wives. He also killed Mickey, a totally innocent bystander which, according to my Christian friends, makes him a Muslim.

Either way, Tebow is becoming a threat to our national security. Now, personally, I never cared for Tebow. To begin with, he played for the Florida Gators, so the only way he could suck more than he already does is if he stars in the next Twilight “film”. Plus, he’s indirectly responsible for the photo-snapping phenomenon known as Tebowing, the popularity of which makes me hope the Mayans are right about 2012 being the end of humanity, as we’ve clearly exhausted our usefulness.

And I haven’t even touched on that other little thing about Tebow that annoys so many. And no, I’m not talking about the circumcisions he performs on infants of the third world.

Just in case you don’t know, Tebow once famously used his vacation time to travel to the Philippines to help circumcise infants. And while this is a noble act that has been justly praised by many, you have to admit it reeks of a certain Catholic Priest-like creepiness. Think about it: a young man practicing a faith-based celibacy traveling half-way around the world to tip-snip Filipino penis?

Am I suggesting that Tebow is attracted to young boys? Absolutely not. But you have to admit he’s following the traditional recipe to a tee.

Draw your own conclusions, but as far as I’m concerned a guy who’s never used his own dick has no business renovating someone else’s. It’s like a vegan telling me how to cook steak. Seriously, go screw.

Or, if you’re Timmy “Christ Much” Tebow, don’t.

Though Tebow’s ability to simultaneously prove his critics and his fans right by being both an embarrassingly awful quarterback and a consummate winner at the same time has made him a polarizing sports figure, it’s his religiosity that has garnered the most attention. During the NFL’s regular season, however, I didn’t pay much attention to the man’s beliefs.

You see, as much as I love football, I’m also the type of guy who loves it when the best laid plans of mice and men go awry. For this reason, I enjoyed watching the analysts scratch their heads in disbelief every time Tebow mounted a come-from-behind victory. Plus, whenever Tebow threw a winning touchdown pass the camera crews made sure to give us a good close-up of John Elway on the sideline, looking less like a man watching his team win a game and more like a person viewing 2 Girls 1 Cup for the first time. No shit, Elway’s befuddled facial expressions were far more entertaining than anything the Broncos did on the field this season.

It was fun watching Tebow derail the modern game of football, completely dismissing decades of gridiron truisms. The religious thing annoyed quite a few, but I simply found it amusing that so many were beginning to attribute “Tebow time” to divine intervention.

That is, I found it amusing during the regular season, but yesterday’s victory over the Steelers was a playoff game: it mattered. All the proselytizing I found so harmless a month ago suddenly became a serious issue. Tebow’s sermons are different than the ones most athletes give when they thank their maker for allowing them to win the game, because those shout outs to Jesus generally come in the post-game interviews when I am either A., no longer watching, or B., too drunk to care.

But with Tebow, you can’t escape his beliefs. He’s praying after each pass, pointing to the Heavens after each converted first down, and kneeling in prayer whenever his team scores. In fact, unlike other athletes, Tebow is presumptuous enough to thank Jesus before the game even starts. Still, Tebow’s on-field tributes are nothing compared to the announcers, who must be getting paid by some evangelical order because they reference the hamstrung quarterback’s beliefs more than they reference whichever soul-sucking corporation is sponsoring that particular broadcast.

Football is played on Sunday because God wanted us all to have a choice: go to church or watch football. It’s called free will, and through the exercise of it we each develop our own personal relationship with the divine. It’s part of God’s master plan—a plan which Tebow is seriously fucking with.

Still, as annoying as Tebow is, he is not the real threat. No, the real threat lies within the people who see him as far more than a football player. I refer, of course, to conservative American Christians, a collection of people who rigidly follow the teachings of a book they’ve never read.

Let’s face it, Christianity is a religion based solely on faith. Without any substantiating empirical evidence whatsoever, Christians not only believe in some pretty fanciful things, but they actually will use those beliefs to dictate how they live. Well, in most cases, not how they live but rather how others should.

People like Pat Robertson can predict the end of the world, and based on faith alone millions of people will keep trusting his every word—even when the world doesn’t end. They’ll vote against their best interests to elect someone who claims to share their faith, they’ll vote to oppress the rights of those who don’t fit into their faith, and—occasionally—they’ll kill people who won’t abide by their faith.

All this, they do with no concrete evidence to support their beliefs. Imagine then what they could be capable of if they actually had proof of the existence of a higher power? And say what you will, if the Broncos and Tebow beat the Patriots next weekend, even your staunchest atheist is going to have a hard time passing that off as pure chance.

Besides, this particular match-up could speak to an even greater and more imminent threat to life as we know it. I mean, hear we have Timmy Trinity riding into town with his white stallion to face off against the New England Patriots and Tom Brady who is, let’s face it, the fucking devil.

While this showdown may not exactly parallel the events foretold in the Book of Revelations, when has that ever stopped a Christian from leaping to some completely asinine conclusions?

Regardless of what happens next weekend—either reality sets in and the Patriots steamroll the Broncos, or, I don’t know, Tebow wins the game on a last-second Hail Mary that triggers the fiery apocalypse Pat Robertson’s been warning us about all these years—I expect the Christian nation to come away from the game with a renewed passion. Because if Tebow loses and eventually flunks out of the league, they will have a new martyr, crucified for his beliefs; if he wins, they will have the second coming or, at the very least, proof of the miraculous.

Win or lose, it doesn’t bode well for the rest of us, most of whom just want to watch a good football game without mellowing our buzz with thoughts of God’s final judgment. But since there’s no way to stop the game from happening, I have no choice but to root for the Patriots—even though doing so has caused something inside me to die.

The Patriots need to win, and not just to stave off the end of time. Nor do they need to win to stop Tebow’s miraculous run—though, if he leads the Broncos to the big game in February, they might as well start calling it the Jesus Bowl and replace the half-time show with a liturgy, because I’ll officially be over this whole football thing.

No the Patriots need to win for football’s sake. Winning with gimmicks, trick plays and college-style offenses is okay in the regular season. But in the playoffs, it’s the best against the best, and the best embody the combination of talent, heart and a scientific mastery of the craft. And if the best football teams can be beaten by a gimmicky quarterback who passes with less accuracy than I piss with when drunk, then the sport I love will no longer be worth watching.