If Shakespeare were still alive today and writing a modern-day version of Macbeth, he—aside from looking like a somewhat younger version of Ron Paul—would likely decide to replace those three vile witches and their boiling cauldron with a conservative think tank and a waiting room in which, instead of catchy though demonic chants, men in suits would sing Christian rock.

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Remember Charlie Brown’s teacher, and how everything he said was masked by that “wah wah wo waw” sound? Well, thanks to Arizona State Sen. Lori Klein, we now know that the only things being taught in Charlie’s classroom were the seven words you can’t say on television. That’s why Sen. Klein is introducing SB 1467, which if passed will finally put an end to the profanity-ridden lectures that our children are forced to listen to each and every day.

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The Catholic church is upset with Obama’s birth control mandate, as church leaders believe the move is an unnecessary assault on the church’s long-standing view that the only acceptable form of birth control is an adolescent boy.

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As much as the Susan G. Komen foundation wants to fight breast cancer, it apparently doesn’t see the point in saving a boob unless there’s some kid around to drink milk from it.

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Though I wasn’t surprised by the news, I experienced two completely conflicting emotions when I learned earlier today that Andrei Cherny was stepping down as Chair of the Arizona Democratic Party. Those feelings? Anger and elation.

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You have to respect Republicans and their ability to transform their paranoid, faith-based concerns about big government into profit-making realities. Take the public education system, for example: For decades, Republicans have derided public schools and teachers for being inept, corrupting forces that poison our children’s minds while failing to pass on the most important things we all need to survive. You know, things like: God is good, holding a gun is a sacrament, and caring for others’ well being is terrorism.

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It’s not easy being liberal in a country whose citizens’ political beliefs are shaped more by bumper stickers and hatred than by debate, reason or facts. I mean, it’s one thing to have to listen to people who can’t find France on a map detail the horrors of the French health care system, but in America I also have to suffer the consequences of letting those same idiots vote for special ed kids like W. Bush because “he seems like someone I’d want to have a beer with.”

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Rick Santorum has never been a legitimate threat to win the GOP’s presidential nomination, but after an apparently moonshine-fueled day of voting in Iowa last week, his campaign rose to prominence just long enough to remind Americans that Republicans really, really hate gay people.

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God may not be a fan of the Denver Broncos, but after the Tim Tebow-led team’s stunning overtime win against the Steelers yesterday, millions of Americans are becoming believers. Should the Broncos find a way to beat the Patriots next week, it won’t be long before images of Tebow start showing up in grilled-cheese sandwiches all over America. And while a Tebow-sandwich might be tasty (depending upon your, ugh, tastes), America can’t withstand the impact of another Tebow miracle.

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I was delighted this morning when I learned that Joe Arpaio, Arizona’s infamous race-baiting law man, announced his bid for a sixth term as Sheriff of Maricopa County. Considering Sheriff Joe’s recent setbacks—a Justice Department report finding the MCSO guilty of violating the constitutional rights of inmates, discriminatory policing practices and, in general, excessive douchiness; an ongoing criminal investigation into alleged abuses of power; and a shifting political climate in which another icon of the Republican’s extremist fringe, Russell Pearce, was recently ousted by voters—it would be easy for Sheriff Joe to simply close up shop, hand his badge to his successor and walk quietly into the sunset with a little dignity still intact.

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