Arizona is not a state; it’s a disease.

I didn’t come down with Arizona by sharing a needle or through unsafe sexual practices. I didn’t eat a tainted cantaloupe, or discover it at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Nope, I was born with it. I lost the natal lottery in a Phoenix-based county hospital back in 1973. Still, I’m 38-years-old today, and I’m proud to say that Arizona hasn’t killed me yet.

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If you’ve ever watched FOX News or been annoyed by someone who does, then you’re undoubtedly familiar with the freakish leap in logic many members of the Christian Right and the Republican Party cling to when arguing against gay marriage. Namely, that if men were allowed to marry other men, the floodgates would open up and soon you’d have people marrying dolphins.

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The media, bloggers and politicians have done their best to dismiss the Occupy Wall Street movement as unorganized, lacking in focus, and powered by lazy hippies with no clear objective. Certainly, you’ve heard people on TV and in person echo various “Not sure what they’re protesting” themed talking points.

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For those of you occupying Wall Street and whining about how your economy got raped by the upper one percent, the corporate world has prepared its defense, and it’s pretty much the same argument any rapist makes whenever the victim has the nerve to file a complaint.

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Butter up the popcorn, ice down some beers, and just try to contain your excitement, because the good people at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints just launched a new series of “I’m a Mormon” commercials, and you don’t want to miss a one of them.

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Sports Predictions that Matter

Posted: 1st October 2011 by Mike Stevens in Commentary
Tags: , , , , ,

October is the best time to be a sports fan. Football is hitting its mid-season stride, baseball is entering the playoffs, hockey is getting started and with the looming NBA lockout, my stocks in privatized prisons are about to go through the roof. For many of us, the next few months will be full of drama, come-from-behind victories and insane bouts of drunkenness that somehow always end with some idiot (most likely you) challenging everyone in the bar or (if you’re a NASCAR fan) trailer park to a fight.

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I read earlier today that a Ukraninian man tragically died shortly after winning a dumpling eating contest (for the record, he polished off 10 dumplings and a one-liter jar of sour cream in 30 seconds). A few hours later, the 77-year-old Ivan Mendel was dead, and I haven’t stopped laughing since.

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If you get your news from traditional media outlets, you are likely unaware that this past weekend thousands of Americans have taken part in protests against Wall Street and the global corporate aristocracy it represents. If you get all your news from Twitter feeds, Facebook and community blogs, however, you know everything there is to know about the protest but are largely unaware of just how much everyone hates you.

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I want to begin this column with a moment of silence for Hugh Hefner. Sure, he’s still technically alive, but after his 25-year-old fiancée Crystal Harris backed out of their nuptials last week, he might as well be dead. And even if Harris’ dumping of the Playboy magnate failed to kill Hefner, she certainly snuffed out the fantasies of every red-blooded male in America. So a moment of silence, please, for the death of debauchery and the end of a lifestyle more central to the American dream than anything having to do with white picket fences.

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With our withered economy and emaciated job market, it’s tough being an American right now. We’re facing staggering unemployment rates, a nearly unchecked corporate aristocracy, and a stock market that’s about as stable as Lindsay Lohan in a high school chemistry lab. Still, I’m a “glass is half-full” kind of guy, so I tend to look at the brighter side of things. Which is to say that, as bad as things are, they’d be a lot worse if I were a kid right now.

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