Pop Culture Reference Guide

By Mike Stevens

In our busy lives, sometimes it’s just too difficult to stay on top of all the YouTube videos, celebrity gossip and political catchphrases that are currently shaping the American mindscape. But never fear, as The Pop Culture Reference Guide is an ever-evolving dictionary that will help you stay on top of all the contemporary minutia and inane factoids you’ll need to feel right at home in any conversation.

And for convenience (mine, not yours), the PCRG is not arranged alphabetically, as I am too lazy for that. This week’s new and somewhat X-rated entries are:

Entry Date: Feb 1st, 2016

Spelling B—As far as Sarah Palin can get when spelling her daughter’s first name.

Concession Speech—The long and exhaustive list of snacks Governor Chris Christie orders at the movies.

Man Bun—What Donald Trump should be forced to wear when he concedes.

Minimum Wage—This refers to the maximum wage Wal-Mart will pay you.

Marco Rubio—The only person in America thirsty enough to drink tap water in Flint, Michigan.

Single Payer—How most political campaigns are funded.

Caucus—Both a word that makes Ben Carson giggle and a unique way some states determine how many voters have nothing better to do on a Monday night than stand around in a high school cafeteria having political conversations with people they would block on Facebook.

Bernie Sanders—Probably has a pocket full of Werther’s Originals.

Gun Control—In America, this means you have good aim.

SuperBowl—This term is used by plumbers to describe Governor Chris Chistie’s toilet.

The One Percent—This phrase refers to the portion of Donald Trump’s statements that are factual.

The Hunger Games—A disturbing documentary detailing the devastating effects of Trickle-Down Economics.

Ben Carson—Had a special brownie for lunch and sure could use some tacos.

Distracted Driving—This occurs when someone driving down the road is alerted by a brightly lit digital billboard that “reading a text takes your eyes of the road.”

PTSD—A serious psychological condition experienced largely by combat veterans and victims of rape or violence, it is also often experienced by Donald Trump when fielding questions from Megyn Kelly.

GOP Primaries—The much-anticipated prequel to Mike Judge’s haunting Idiocracy.

Common Core—The term refers to the soulless greed at the heart of every Republican running for President.

Ted Cruz—Is literally the only person in America not terrified by Ted Cruz.

A Person of Faith—A white person with strong religious convictions.

Terrorist—A dark person with strong religious convictions.

Planned Parenthood—Something Bristol Palin has never experienced.

Entry Date: December 16th, 2014

Rectal Feeding–The only explanation possible for the endless stream of shit coming out of Dick Cheney’s mouth.

Arby’s–They have the meats, but you’ll have the shits.

McDonald’s Value Menu–By far the cheapest way to develop type II diabetes.

Shark Week–Biannual event at which newly elected public officials are sworn into office.

Jay Cutler–Is as excited to be alive as Chicago Bears fans are to have him for a quarterback.

Global Warming–A slow, progressive increase in the earth’s temperatures, particularly noticeable in our ocean’s core temps. In Republican circles, it’s called summer and should pass by October.

LeBron James–The self-proclaimed king of basketball. After following his off-season low-carb, vegetable-dense diet with a series of commercials for McDonald’s, he is also the king of cognitive dissonance.

Torture–The act of forcing intelligent people to listen to Republicans explain why it’s okay to waterboard.

Michele Bachman–An April Fool’s Day joke that’s gone on way too long.

Racial Equality–Apparently, a conservative belief that as long as people of different races are treated today the same way they were the past four hundred years, then everything remains equal.

Clarence Thomas–The only black man in America to suffer from White Guilt.

Stephen Colbert–Was not faking his political beliefs nearly as much as the talking heads on FOX do.

Tom Brady–The devil wears Uggs?

Atlus Shrugged–The only book Republicans even pretend to read.

Hanukkah–A plot to destory Christmas hatched some two hundred years before Christ was born. Those were some committed extremist.

Anonymous–Most likely a secretive CIA operation working through concealed Internet accounts around the world to manipulate global politics, while shielding themselves through its acquisition of public approval. No joke here. Just, you know: math.

Rick Perry with Glasses–Ignorant ass, this current governor of Texas lost his bid for presidency back in 2012 when he forgot one of his three core beliefs. His inability to remember his beliefs, though much maligned, is a tragic and often undiagnosed symptom of being a Republican.

Rick Perry without Glasses–Bumps into a lot of shit.

Texas–Serving proudly, for over 100 years, as this nation’s epicenter of dumb.

Filibuster–What John Kerry believes he is supposed to be doing at all times. Don’t believe me? Go ask him.

Entry Date: December 6th, 2014

The Koch Brothers–The only people in America who think “A Christmas Carol” has a really crappy ending.

Justice for All–This is a pretty lofty goal, but as they apparently teach our police officers: You have to shoot for the stars, that way even if you miss you’re still likely to hit a few black people.

Johnny Manzeil–A.K.A. Johnny Football-Watching bench warmer.

Nickelback–A band I’m hoping will soon change it’s name to Nickelgone.

The War on Christmas–Gets more news coverage than does the war in Afghanistan.

Executive Order–A presidential decree, the constitutionality of which is dependent upon which party currently occupies the White House.

The Civil War–Is, at this point in history, too close to call.

Live Television Musicals–Big-budgeted and painfully acted productions where once amazing actors go to die. Rest in peace, Christopher Walken. Your shark-jumping days are over.

Antonin Scalia–Chet from Weird Science.

chet

Judge Scalia, seen here farting out his explanation for the court's latest ruling.

One Direction–Both a British boy band and said band’s career trajectory, which will have them marching directly from internatinal fame, to obscurity, to bankruptcy, addiction and, eventually, a guest spot on The Muary Povich Show or (if things get really bad) the British equivalent.

Occupy Protest–Something I’m prone to do when people take too long in a public restroom.

Campaign Finance Reform–An important reform measure our elected officials will get to as soon as they’re done campaigning.

Entry Date: December 3rd, 2014

The Keystone Pipeline—A large, cylindrical tube used to funnel food down Rush Limbaugh’s throat so he can keep using his mouth to shovel shit.

Dr. Oz—The most trusted physician in America, his bought-and-paid-for advice leads millions to radically change how they eat and supplement. And as long as you pay no attention to the sponsor behind the curtain, Dr. Oz will keep marching down that lucrative yellow brick road and Americans will keep marching to the E.R.

Mitch McConnell—Alternative spelling for douche bag.

The War on Christmas—Unless you’re talking about a sequel to “The Santa Clause,” the war on Christmas is as make believe as jolly Saint Nick, himself. Still, millions of Christians view Wal-Mart’s “anti-Christian” usage of the term “happy holidays” as cause for a boycott while at the same time seeing Wal-Mart’s usage of 8-year-old Indonesian girls in illegal sweat shops as cause for some kick-ass winter savings.

The One Percent—This term refers to the very small population of economic elites in America, a group of people who many Americans believe are above the law and norms of decency due to their wealth’s influence on governmental policy. The term is controversial, however, as most members of the one percent don’t see themselves, in any way, shape or form, as part of the whole.

Vladimir Putin—Is too sexy for his cat.

Fracking—The act of applying liquid, at high pressures, to natural faults and cracks that have developed in the earth’s crust over millions of years in an attempt to speed up geological time and release mother nature’s bounty of natural resources more promptly. Used largely for short-term economic gain, it’s the intellectual equivalent of shooting a cop to get out of a speeding ticket, knowing full-well that while you’ll dodge the ticket you’ll spend the rest of your life in jail, and doing it anyway. To understand the logic in this, See Also, “The One Percent”.

Old Yeller—John McCain.

Black Friday—Very similar to Spain’s traditional Running of the Bulls, Black Friday differentiates itself by the fact that the Black Friday bulls run over themselves, generally while quibbling over a toaster.

Glenn Beck—Is stuck on stupid, but this is apparently, according to Beck, due to a recently discovered medical condition known as “loss of relevancy”.

Love—According to my cat, this is an emotion shared between two people that leads to a lot of bloodshed.

Trending–This term refers to whatever cultural phenomenon currently most satiates Americans’ need to put off doing whatever work they’re getting paid to do. The term is loosely related to a “trend,” the chief difference being that while Kim Kardashian’s ass might be trending today, a general disgust of all things Kardashian is a trend.

Female Orgasm—A 21st century myth; see also, any woman I’ve ever slept with.

Illegal Immigration—The single greatest economic policy in the history of the United States. Oddly, enough, instead of taking credit for it, both Republicans and Democrats run away from it as frantically as employers race toward it.

Emoticon—A graphical representation of thoughts you’d express in words if you weren’t too drunk to think of something to say.

Meme—Much like an emoticon, this is a graphical presentation of a thought. The difference between a meme and an emoticon, however, is that with a meme you don’t actually have to have the thought; you simply “Like” and share it.

Justin Bieber—Not proof of a God, but proof that if one does exist he hates us.

The “Twilight” Series—A volume of novels about a really old and sparkly vampire who hangs out at local high schools and picks up on underage women. It was written by a Mormon and is celebrated by millions of Americans who either can’t read between the lines or should legally be forced to tell their neighbors about their sexual history.

Citizens United—A Supreme Court ruling that legally divided citizens into two groups: Those consisting of flesh and blood, and those who mattered. If you’re not certain which group you belong in, ask yourself this: Do you have a jet?

Silence—The natural outcome of believing that protesting peacefully accomplishes nothing but a good macing, while violent protests leads to macing, shooting, incarceration and shaming by the public at large. See also: “Dystopian society.”

Voter Turnout—A myth that an astounding 39% of the population still believes in.

LOL—Lost our language.

Police Officer—Someone you fear more than criminals.

Sarah Palin—The raisin in a chocolate chip cookie. Oh, sure, it looks good, but once you get a taste you can’t spit it out quick enough.

John Boehner—Beavis and Butthead’s favorite politician.

Ebola—A dangerous and infectious virus most of you can only catch from watching the news.

Catfishing—Born by the Internet, catfishing is when someone pretends to be someone they are not, generally to illicit amorous feelings from total strangers. This is often done for either personal gain or comedic effect. In politics, it’s known as “Addressing your constituents.”

Christians—A world-wide sect of people who follow the teachings of a book they’ve never read.

Jim Crow Laws—Apparently, the code of ethics governing America’s police force.

Billy Ray Cyrus—Owes us all a big apology, and for much more than breaking our achy, breaky heart.

Entry Date: February 24th, 2012

The Bill of Rights—A masterpiece of American fiction about a straight, white guy.

Fox News—A popular children’s television network starring a colorful assortment of puppets and clowns who have wild adventures in the fanciful land of “The Good Old Days.”

Kamu-Sutra—A cruel-ass Hindu book depicting the 101 positions you’ll never get her drunk enough to try.

Ku Klux Klan, or the KKK—This term refers to the more moderate members of the Republican Party.

Online Education—A very expensive toilet-paper dispensary that has millions of Americans logging into Internet universities every day. Students generally spend thousands of dollars each year to not receive an education from the comfort of their homes. The degrees earned won’t get you a better job, but as you can take classes in your underwear, they will train you for a future of unemployment.

Tweet—A short, overly annoying update, announcement or self promotion, tweets are at the heart of a unique new game of “Internet Chicken,” in which people test the limits of their friendships by bombarding each other with unintelligible mindless drivel. The first one to end the friendship wins.

Entry Date: May 20th, 2011

May 21st—Reportedly the date of the Rapture, during which Christians will be teleported up to Heaven, leaving the rest of us to wonder where all the judgmental assholes went. According to the Bible, this event will usher in 1,000 years of peace and prosperity as those of us left behind will finally be allowed to govern our laws and lives with rational fucking thought.

Of course, the date is most significant because it falls exactly one month after April 20th, meaning many of us will be able to safely pass a urine test.

Ron Paul—Known primarily as the Keynote Speaker of a concession speech to be held roughly one year from now, Paul has also recently been dubbed the Godfather of the Tea Party. Unlike Marlon Brando, Paul is no contender. Still, if there is a God, he will heretofore be known as the Don Corleone of tea-bagging.

Weapon of Mass Destruction—Loosely translated, this means: religion.

Donald Trump—Living proof that some women will do anything for money.

Ebonics—This recent, urban adaptation of American English inherits a strict grammatical foundation from the base language, though reinterprets traditional spellings and pronunciations. The language is closely associated with the Hip Hip culture and is spoken, primarily, by young white kids.

Friendly Fire—What innocent people experience when walking too closely behind me.

Ponzi Scheme—The American economy.

Just Do It—What Nike employees tell little Asian children who complain their hands are bleeding too much to make any more shoes.

Atlas Shrugged—The singular text conservative Christians turn to for instruction and moral guidance, Ayn Rand’s novel was also the guiding inspiration for Anton LaVey, author of The Satanic Bible. As LaVey himself famously said: “I give people Ayn Rand with trappings.”

Those trappings, in case you’re wondering, have to do with leather.

No joke here: Just saying.

Chaz Bono—Proof that a fat man is more attractive than a fat woman.

Viagra—This phrase means people who shouldn’t be having sex, are, and you should scrub your brain out with a pumice stone to forget that fact. Seriously, if mother nature wanted Wilford Brimley to have explosive orgasms at 80, it would have equipped his dick with a flint stone.

Social Networking—The act of pretending to work while mindlessly hopping between Facebook, Twitter and Craigslist.

Entry Date: May 15, 2005

4-Car Collision—This is what occurs when four cars stop at a four-way Stop sign at exactly the same time, and the car to the right goes first.

Blink 182—What George W. Bush does when asked a tough question.

Bling Bling—This is the sound made by the little bell hung on a pawn shop’s door, a sound most frequently heard by last year’s hip hop star whose one hit single made just enough money to buy 100 pounds of jewelry, but not enough money to pay his agent, his manager, and his posse of 12.

Al Gore—The 43rd President of the United States.

Dennis Rodman—Betty Ford’s most prolific rebounder.

Celibacy—A vow Catholic priests take which guarantees your children won’t learn about sex from their friends.

Dr. Phil—A southern-fried psychologist who helped Oprah with her weight issues, primarily by sucking the fat directly from her ass. I’m not trying to say he’s a brown noser, or anything like that, just that, since meeting him, Oprah does fart with a drawl.

Pro Life—Religious stance that an unborn fetus is a living being deserving of the full protection of the government to ensure it is given a chance at birth, after which time, fuck it.

March of Dimes—The unemployment line.

Ouch—This phrase is universally used to announce either pain or the complete horror at having seen, for the first time, Tommy Lee’s noodle.

Russell Crowe—Alternative spelling for douche-bag.

Oxymoron—Rush Limbaugh.

Star Jones—Talk show hostess known to Star Wars fans the world over as Jabba.

Tara Reid—This phrase is the modern English translation of the name for the mythical demigod Medusa. Some things have been lost in the translation, though, as Tara Reid will not turn you to stone.

She will, however, turn your movie to shit.

See: Alone in the Dark, or, as it is known to anyone who saw this celluloid adaptation of the video game, Alone in a Dark Theater Watching the Worst Fucking Moving Ever Made.

Christian Slater is in this movie as well, and, while I don’t know how much heroin he shot when he signed onto the project, I do know it was nowhere near enough.

For Shizzle—Oddly enough, this phrase means kittens are cute. And they are.

Toby Keith—This phrase if used to express an existential boredom with thinking.

Pornography—Tara Reid’s only hope for lasting fame. While Tara lacks the requisite acting skills for porn, she’s more than capable of sucking—a talent she’s demonstrated over the course of several Hollywood films. Tara will have to stretch her talents, though, as the script for Taradise was not as hard to swallow as a 70-year-old Ron Jeramy will prove to be.

Mike Stevens—Sex symbol known the world over as “who?”

Mike Tyson—Is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

The Chappelle Show—A Comedy Central sketch show currently in its 18th season, which is impressive considering they’ve only filmed six episodes.

Monogamy—The willful act of having sex, exclusively, with only one person—and generally speaking, it’s with the one person you no longer want to have sex with.