Bastard In The Wry

In our busy lives, sometimes it’s just too difficult to stay on top of all the YouTube videos, celebrity gossip and political catchphrases that are currently shaping the American mindscape. But never fear, as The Pop Culture Reference Guide is an ever-evolving dictionary that will help you stay on top of all the contemporary minutia and inane factoids you’ll need to feel right at home in any conversation.

And for convenience (mine, not yours), the PCRG is not arranged alphabetically, as I am too lazy for that. This week’s new and somewhat X-rated entries are:

Entry Date: February 24th, 2012

The Bill of Rights—A masterpiece of American fiction about a straight, white guy.

Fox News—A popular children’s television network starring a colorful assortment of puppets and clowns who have wild adventures in the fanciful land of “The Good Old Days.”

Kamu-Sutra—A cruel-ass Hindu book depicting the 101 positions you’ll never get her drunk enough to try.

Ku Klux Klan, or the KKK—This term refers to the more moderate members of the Republican Party.

Online Education—A very expensive toilet-paper dispensary that has millions of Americans logging into Internet universities every day. Students generally spend thousands of dollars each year to not receive an education from the comfort of their homes. The degrees earned won’t get you a better job, but as you can take classes in your underwear, they will train you for a future of unemployment.

Tweet—A short, overly annoying update, announcement or self promotion, tweets are at the heart of a unique new game of “Internet Chicken,” in which people test the limits of their friendships by bombarding each other with unintelligible mindless drivel. The first one to end the friendship wins.

Entry Date: May 20th, 2011

May 21st—Reportedly the date of the Rapture, during which Christians will be teleported up to Heaven, leaving the rest of us to wonder where all the judgmental assholes went. According to the Bible, this event will usher in 1,000 years of peace and prosperity as those of us left behind will finally be allowed to govern our laws and lives with rational fucking thought.

Of course, the date is most significant because it falls exactly one month after April 20th, meaning many of us will be able to safely pass a urine test.

Ron Paul—Known primarily as the Keynote Speaker of a concession speech to be held roughly one year from now, Paul has also recently been dubbed the Godfather of the Tea Party. Unlike Marlon Brando, Paul is no contender. Still, if there is a God, he will heretofore be known as the Don Corleone of tea-bagging.

Weapon of Mass Destruction—Loosely translated, this means: religion.

Donald Trump—Living proof that some women will do anything for money.

Ebonics—This recent, urban adaptation of American English inherits a strict grammatical foundation from the base language, though reinterprets traditional spellings and pronunciations. The language is closely associated with the Hip Hip culture and is spoken, primarily, by young white kids.

Friendly Fire—What innocent people experience when walking too closely behind me.

Ponzi Scheme—The American economy.

Just Do It—What Nike employees tell little Asian children who complain their hands are bleeding too much to make any more shoes.

Atlas Shrugged—The singular text conservative Christians turn to for instruction and moral guidance, Ayn Rand’s novel was also the guiding inspiration for Anton LaVey, author of The Satanic Bible. As LaVey himself famously said: “I give people Ayn Rand with trappings.”

Those trappings, in case you’re wondering, have to do with leather.

No joke here: Just saying.

Chaz Bono—Proof that a fat man is more attractive than a fat woman.

Viagra—This phrase means people who shouldn’t be having sex, are, and you should scrub your brain out with a pumice stone to forget that fact. Seriously, if mother nature wanted Wilford Brimley to have explosive orgasms at 80, it would have equipped his dick with a flint stone.

Social Networking—The act of pretending to work while mindlessly hopping between Facebook, Twitter and Craigslist.

Entry Date: May 15, 2005

4-Car Collision—This is what occurs when four cars stop at a four-way Stop sign at exactly the same time, and the car to the right goes first.

Blink 182—What George W. Bush does when asked a tough question.

Bling Bling—This is the sound made by the little bell hung on a pawn shop’s door, a sound most frequently heard by last year’s hip hop star whose one hit single made just enough money to buy 100 pounds of jewelry, but not enough money to pay his agent, his manager, and his posse of 12.

Al Gore—The 43rd President of the United States.

Dennis Rodman—Betty Ford’s most prolific rebounder.

Celibacy—A vow Catholic priests take which guarantees your children won’t learn about sex from their friends.

Dr. Phil—A southern-fried psychologist who helped Oprah with her weight issues, primarily by sucking the fat directly from her ass. I’m not trying to say he’s a brown noser, or anything like that, just that, since meeting him, Oprah does fart with a drawl.

Pro Life—Religious stance that an unborn fetus is a living being deserving of the full protection of the government to ensure it is given a chance at birth, after which time, fuck it.

March of Dimes—The unemployment line.

Ouch—This phrase is universally used to announce either pain or the complete horror at having seen, for the first time, Tommy Lee’s noodle.

Russell Crowe—Alternative spelling for douche-bag.

Oxymoron—Rush Limbaugh.

Star Jones—Talk show hostess known to Star Wars fans the world over as Jabba.

Tara Reid—This phrase is the modern English translation of the name for the mythical demigod Medusa. Some things have been lost in the translation, though, as Tara Reid will not turn you to stone.

She will, however, turn your movie to shit.

See: Alone in the Dark, or, as it is known to anyone who saw this celluloid adaptation of the video game, Alone in a Dark Theater Watching the Worst Fucking Moving Ever Made.

Christian Slater is in this movie as well, and, while I don’t know how much heroin he shot when he signed onto the project, I do know it was nowhere near enough.

For Shizzle—Oddly enough, this phrase means kittens are cute. And they are.

Toby Keith—This phrase if used to express an existential boredom with thinking.

Pornography—Tara Reid’s only hope for lasting fame. While Tara lacks the requisite acting skills for porn, she’s more than capable of sucking—a talent she’s demonstrated over the course of several Hollywood films. Tara will have to stretch her talents, though, as the script for Taradise was not as hard to swallow as a 70-year-old Ron Jeramy will prove to be.

Mike Stevens—Sex symbol known the world over as “who?”

Mike Tyson—Is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

The Chappelle Show—A Comedy Central sketch show currently in its 18th season, which is impressive considering they’ve only filmed six episodes.

Monogamy—The willful act of having sex, exclusively, with only one person—and generally speaking, it’s with the one person you no longer want to have sex with.